I cannot concentrate to save my life!!!

im trying, i really am!! I can usually go for like a couple hours at a time at least, but now i cant even do 30 minnsssss!

eff, man.

i need to do better in my classes. slash- i need to actually learn to study better. i was pretty good at it last year, but i feel like my classes are more abstract this year.

why are so many things running through my brain!?!?! too many things. too much stress.

goodness gracious.

blah blah blah self identity in early childhood bleedy blahdy bloo.


i think i may be going insane.

Let's be honest- school is number one worst. this is not to say, of course, that I dislike Richmond, In fact, I love it, but i would much rather be at home doing nothing than in richmond going to school.

this break was far too short.

Most of it was spent in NJ, with the side of the fam that I adore, so it made leaving ridiculously difficult. I am in no way ready to take/ write any finals. I spent a lot of my break thinking about what I could do, should I decide to crazily leave school, or not get into grad school, or no one hires me as a teacher. All of these are actually plausible, which is pretty scary, but also, please remember that i'm crazy and am probably paranoid. Anyway, I thought "hm, i could live in Ocean City, and work with my grandmom" or "yeah, i'll drop out of school, and get my certificate in midwifing". That all actually sounds really good. School is expensive. This year alone, VCU has raised tuition $1,000, and so many classes were cut that I can only get into three right now. three. that's 9 credits.

I mean, I think I know that I'll stay in school, graduate, go to grad school, and get a job. That will be my life. But the thing is, there are SO many other opportunities that I'm not taking. Life is too short. How am I supposed to do all the things I want to do? I feel like it's impossible. I'll never have money as a teacher, and i don't want to marry rich just to have money, cause I feel like that negates the happiness gained by doing those amazing things, ya know? I couldn't live with that.

Look, I know i'll be happy no matter what I do, and I know i'll have a good life, but there's just so much to do! do i audition for the music school even though i can't play piano very well? and if i get in, do i study abroad knowing that the credits won't transfer so i'll be in school longer?

too many questions and....thoughts. too many thoughts. I don't think that life is supposed to be this stressful. I feel like i'm worrying about it so much that I'm not going to end up enjoying it. i mean...i will...but with all of this other shit to get done, it's hard to focus on the now, which is what i need to do. I need to focus on now. what I can do now, what is best for me NOW.

But that's hard, knowing that so much depends on now.

I wanna go back to new jersey.

so...what if i became a midwife?


no seriously.

i think i might want to change...everythinggggg. I was watching this show today on being a midwife, and i realized that i ALWAYS watch these shows. and people think im crazy for it. I mean, i love kids, and being a teacher would be so rewarding, but so...single file, ya know? And i know midwives have crazy hours but being able to bring life into the world?? thats some crazy shit. I was born at home, and my mom loved it.

so i dunnooo, but i feel this pull to it, ya know? no? well i have no idea, but i think i might go talk to my adviser slash visit a birthing center. this is a big decision. I would have to switch into the school of nursing, which is amazing here, but kldsafjsalkdjf. teaching? i love that too!!!

mumsie says to stay with teaching, research and find out everything i can about midwifery, and then make my decision. mommy knows everything.

this would change everything. which is crazy, as i had everything planned perfectly. i have no ideaaa. am I crazy?!?!?!

haven't posted in a while. maybe because the internet at my house doesn't work!!! aka, it doesn't for my computer, and i don't know whyyyy. so i'm in the library. im also here because i should be studying. however, I found out that the course reserves room, which last semester was open until 2 am, CLOSES at 8 pm this semester. what the eff is that??? so i decided to procrastinate. tadaaaa.

So i came into this corner of the lib, which is a big chair surrounded by books, and i looked up, and found that I was in the music section. surrounded by music. actually, it's really calming here. I like this feeling. i'll probs end up checking some of this shit outtt. i've been skipping class too much it's an issue.

Seeing Laura Marling was GREAT! of course, i got home at 3:30, and skipped class this morning...again. It was worth it. WHY CAN'T I PLAY GUITAR?!!?! mommykins decided not to pass that skill on to me. I've been trying to build my piano skill, but i def need a teacher, cause i don't know what im doing.

is it winter break yet?

school is hard.

so let's discuss this weekend, shall we?

Went to see Muse and U2, and almost fainted because Mathew Bellamy spoke words at me. bahaha jk. but i wish. he's awesome. as is muse.

i mean, u2 is good too, it was just weird being surrounded by like...older people at a concert? and having them go crazzyyyyy. zack and i got funnel cake.

THENNN busch gardens. where I rode THREE of FOUR roller coasters. you don't seem to understand how B of a D that is for me. I'm pretty sure the only reason i went on that crazy one is becuase it was dark and i couldnt see how ridic the drop was. but i did it!! yes, you may make me an award. ps- we all need to go back. that scarecrow was HOT!!

saturday i went out on a date with this guy. no...i'm not joking. noq i know why i never played that game. It's awkkkk. aka, we're going out again on thursday, but seriously. he's like a different type of awk from me? i mean, he's really nice, and funny, and like..attractive, but not AMY attractive, ya know? I guess i'm judging too fast though. people convinced me to go out with him again, so i am. he's 22. i dunnoooo. dating is stressfullllll. I'd rather just like...go to scottland and meet the guy who automatically syncs with me, who happens to be ridiculously attractive, with an accent, and is hilarious. is that too much to ask?

i mean, i'm not complaining. It's nice to go out. but aksjdfakjf. whatevs, man. i don't even know how i feel about it.

the real story- i don't know if i'm coming home this weekend or not? i'll let you all know though. I swear VCU had the same fall break as most people last year. what the eff??

but i am LOVING richmond right now. my street is number one most picturesque. gotta love the fan.


c'est tout.

woah, kids. we are growing UPPPP!

Last night i was in my child development class, and we were talking about how the healthiest time to have a baby is in your early twenties to early thirties. I turn 20 in less than 2 months. that means that within the next 10 years i'll have kids?!?! JEEZ. that's psycho. I was also facebook stalking my old babysitter, and I remember her as a senior in high school, and now she has 4 kids. what the eff?

We are all catches.

truth. lets be honest. all of us are genuinely nice people, right? i mean, im assuming none of us have some terrible secret of killing someone or something. i mean...maybe maya does, but anyway-

why is no one interested in us? (please note- i know this obviously doesn't apply to everyone on lj- im just goin on a slightly drunken rant)

but really- i have never met another group like ours. we all truly care about one another and obviously have the capacity to care for other people as well. does that even matter these days though? whatevs.

i have really great friends, like really really great friends, and im soooOoOOo lucky. ie- I just got home from a party, and i promised my friend michael that id; text him when i got home, but i forgot, so he texted me just to make sure.love himmmmmm. (no- he's gay) it's enough.

oyyy this is depressing. i'll stop. we're awesome people. im not saying this to sound above others,but we ARE. do people care about that shit anymore? they should. where are our people? eh?

anyway, III love you guys, and i think you are such brilliant and really truly such wonderful people. so even if it takes forEVS for me to actually be in a relationship, im supes glad you kids are around.

love and kisses. surf and turf.

cheesy much?

zack and I are currently sitting in our living room, and as our AC is broken because our house is a bazillion years old, it's very hot.

we def need some kind of art for this room. the walls are ridiculously bare. we had a party last night for zack's b-day, and i got pretty trashed, but it was supah fun. so def stop by richmond sometime and hang out with us. it's pretty entertaining down here.

it's like a 2nd life though here. different friends, different house, different everything,ya know? it took a couple days to get used to it. and it's number one weird not being a freshman! we walked by our old dorm last night and saw all the freshmen out on the patio, and it was bizzare! bahaha we are such sophomoresssss.

the fuckin freshmen have a new chipotle and panera like 2 feet from their dorm! what the fuck!?!?! lucky bastards. we never got that shit. curse of 08. curse of ohh eiiiggghhttt.


bahah this post makes no sense.

Julia coolia and I went to the Jason Mraz concert last night, and it was amazzziiingggggggg!!! we were about to buy tickets and this couple came up to us and was like "hey- we have two extra tickets, do you guys want them?" and we were like "yeah!! how much do you want for them??" and he was like "no no, we don't want money, someone gave these to us, you can have them!" so we got awesome house seatingggg! which was great because it was POURING rain. poor lawn people.  THEN after Eric hutchinson played, we ran out to meet him by the merch table, and this guy told us to form a line (in the ridiculous monsoon like rain). so jules and i RAN and were first in liiiine!!!! it was the best! aka we were SOAKED,but whatevs. everything fell into place, and it was def one of the best concerts I've been to. everyone had such high and positive energy! everyone was dancing and it was just soooo much fun.

which brings me to my next point. Julia and I were talking about life and how to get the most out of it, and I realized that I really can not afford to be surrounded by negativity. I hate it, and it's a waste of time, ya know? why spend precious minutes of life feeling pissed off or negative? it's not worth it. and it doesn't help in any situation. I can't afford to surround myself with negative people eitherrrr! Julia and i realized- why should we? I mean, we obvo won"t be mean to people about it, but I don't have to be surrounded by that, and I don't want to be. So even when were lost the car and people were cutting us off, we were positive. and I know this sounds SO cheesy, but i dont really care. Jason Mraz has such a positive thought process. it was pouring rain and he was like "hey- we'll take what we can get- enjoy it". and everyone was soaked but was still having such an amazing time.

so anyway, if you can, just be conscious of your attitude, ya know? negativity effects everyone around you. those people who gave us the tickets were just truely kind people who just wanted to make other people happy. how often do we see that these days? As we were leaving, we gave them hugs, and they were like "all we ask is that you pass on the kindness". It's hard to believe there are still people like that out there. It totally made me want to be a better person.

I threw together a vid of the concert. check it out, kids.

damnit, let's all just become prostitutes.

ugh they make SUCH good moneeeyyy! bahaha, aka, ive just been too obsessed with Call Girl. My brother's roommate gave me all of season 2 and I've been re-watching it for maybe a long time.

I got my first Reston pool pass yesterday whilst mumsie and i were frantically running around town. This wee I have to re-upholster a chair for my apartment, and I have no idea as to how to even begin. oh well, i guess i'll figure it out.

I miss Richmond. I mean, i love reston and everyone here, but i miss the craziness of richmonnddd and my housee, which i am paying rent for and not actually living in. eff that.

The last few days have been wicked exhausting. we spent all day 3 days in a row just cleaning out the house and i dont think i've ever been so tired. Anyway, the house is gone now, as in not ours, and those last few minutes in it were really weird. I just kept playing all the memories from each part of the house in my head as i looked through it. ugh. Atleast we're done now. My dad moved to Burke- aka- i'll like never see him.

but im sick of feeling upset about the situation. i absolutely hate being depressed, and right now I can't let myself be, ya know? It would be too much.

therefore, im going to go read more of Belle de Jour and think about how wealthy we would all be if we became whores.

oh wait...

SIMONE PEER!!!!!!!

Julia, Jason and I are gonna do a detox. I'm partial to the 3-day lemon-honey-tea one. I just feel like i DEF need some cleansing.

My mom is out of town for a week. that means its up to me to basic finish setting up the apartment. aka i need to actually take all of my clothes out of my duffle bag. this seems daunting. that's a lot of clothes! all of which need to be washed.

work starts fully next week. ughhhh. that'll be annoying, but should keep me busy. AND they're dropping off the car for me on Saturday. yessss!

oy. i feel exhausted and pretty gross, actually. Thus, the detox. see? it's necessary.

I've also decided to contact my voice teacher to set up lessons again. I love the apartment, but it sucks that I can't just bust out into song whenever i feel like it cause of the neighbors. who all seem to be oldish. yep. voice lessons are a must.

as are piano lessons, but let's be honest- i can't afford both. Also- i can't just fiddle around on the piano anymore because I took it down to richmond already!!! eff. I'm also paying rent down there while not actually living there. that sucksss.

and i honestly dont even know when ill be able to go down there. Work seems to take my life away. but i do love my richmond house. it's super cute. 

that's pretty much it at the moment.

Today, mumsie and i moved into her new apartment. I love it, and think it's adorable, but it's super weird that this is going to be my home now.
My house is becoming more and more of just a thing.

The concept of living with my mom again is weird too. I haven't lived with her since november, and now we share a room and pretty tight spaces. I mean, it's whatevs, cause marylee is the best, but I can't grasp on to the concept that THIS is now where I come when I'm home from school. everything is changing. today mom and I had to figure out how to get to Target and the town center. what??? those things should be just known. I mean, we knew how to get there but we don't have a standard route yet.

Tomorrow, we're renting a truck and Monday, I'm moving all of my stuff to richmond. aka my bed, my piano, my other furnature. I've never moved in my whole life, and then in 2 weekends I move twice. ugghhh im sooo tired.

you all are probs out makin out with alls the hott guys, and  I am about to go to sleep. but mumsie and i got popsicles, so I def have to partake in those first. We also have no internet. I am currently stealing our neighbors' who has an unsecured network. haHA! but it only works in the bedroom on the window seat, so eff that ess.

anyway, I'm sorry again that I really haven't seen anyonnneee. this is pretty much the craziest time o' my young lyfe.


love and kisses,
amsteroni

the fire alarm went off again. COOL.

anyway, i am DONNEEEEEE.

BAM!

and i'm comin' hoooome. aka, I'm gonna miss 12th floor madness, but most kids live in nova anyway, so we'll see eachother

tpi, i need to make BANK this summer. So i need to be a server at night. ok? ok.


excellent.

this post is piontless.


love,
Amy

And now, a poem from my 6-year-old self:

ahem


Some rocks are hard
some rocks are smooth
some rocks a bumpy
and I like you


I should never have changed my major from English.

ok, so im back in reston until finals...aka...until monday.

I was looking at stuff in my basement today, and found my journal from 1st grade!!! aka, the one you had to keep for school, and everything ever is misspelled. it was GREAT! listen- in one of my entries from june, 1996, my goal was to "write a make-believe story". well, wehn i was little, my mumsie would tell me stories at night about these 4 friends. So i stole one of her stories, changed the character's names, and put it in my journal.

i kid you not. I was plagiarizing even at the young age of 6.


aahahaha my LYYYFE. i bet my teacher read it and was like "what the fuck? she can write now?!" bahahaha. nope, but my mommy can.

home sucks without you guys here. i legit haven't done anything today. i showered at 3:30, and started my day. excellent.

so we're gonna sell the house. Which i'm fine with, and it needs to be done. My mom says that a lot of the summer is gonna be spent fixing it up, and then they'll sell it. I dunno if that implies that they're moving back in together? im not sure. but i mean, it sucks cause i was born in this house, and it's legit my childhood, but as my grams says, in the end, it's just a house. they're not moving out of Reston, which is good, but...still expensive? If we can't afford this house, how can we afford another one in reston?? i dunno, but i guess we'll figure something out.

meh meh meh. we'll still have rockband- no worries : ) i know that's what you're REALLY concerned about.

i am drumk


and we all kno what that meaaans, DRUNK!!!!!


baaahahahahahahaah

aka, i can't be loud, there are RAs standing right outside my door. legit. and also, this is what happened last night



we were drinking in Jamie's room, and brenda had to pee and she opened the door and saw an RA standing outside, and so she was like "FUCK. hide everything!!!!" so we did, and we febreezed, and it was fine. so Brenda and i left, and went out side the door, and these security RAs were stanidng by the elevators and were like "did you guys just come from 1218??? and were were like "yeah" and he was like "was there drinking going on?" abd we obvo said no, and so then the elevators open and there were 2 cops there

so they took our IDs and went to jamie's room, and were like" is there drnking in here?" and everyone was like"no..." and James was drinking blue koolaide with vodka, and the cop was like "what's that faggot juice?" and james (who is gay) was like " ummm? its just blue juice?" so the cops searched the room, and were like "ok...well, i gues have a good night". my heart was beating ridiculously the WHOLE time. so the RAs gave me and brenda our IDs back, and they were like "we honestly heard something going on in there" to the cops. and the cops were like" i can't believe that guy was JUST drinking blue coolaid. that's dissapointing".

what the fuck???

legit the scariest thing of my lyyyyyyfe.
anyeay. tonight we went to Jen's. i LOVE jen. soooooo much! and i talked to this guy who graduated in '05 from SL. cute cute. anyway, alls the hott boys.


the end.

Herro, children.



Ugh. buses. are. the. devil.

and by that, i mean, theyre cheap, but annoying.

so i just got back from new york. again.
i'll tell you about it.

so thursday night, i took a bus back to DC, and spent the night at home, so daddy could take me to the bus station/stop in the morning. so around 12:30 friday i make it to DC again and get on a bus, after partaking in a DELECTABLE sandwich from starbucks. who knew? anyway, that ride was HELL. i mean, the bus had internet, but it was pretty much traffic the whole way there. we also passed a car completely engulfed by flames. no one was in it, but still pretty damn scary. so i eventually saw manhattan and texted my sister and Julie to tell them id be there soon, HOWEVER, it took TWO MORE HOURS to get there because of traffic in the lincoln tunnel. COOL.

anyway, made it to the city, and chilled in a starbucks, where jules came to pick me up. we went back to her room and talked and hung out before meeting my sister for deenah. this place legit looked like hogwarts. candles were like floating from the ceiling. it was crazy.

so jen and i went back to her place and watched lars and the real girl, which was swell as per ush. OH! we also hung out in a park with all these crazy musicians. pretty bangin. and attractive. but not british. eff.

saturday was AMAZZZINNNGGGG. the weather was PERFECT. so we legit just walked around the city all day eating at various places, and met up with the SL kids who were there for their choir trip? that was cute, i forgot how psycho highschool trips are. the chaperons were freaking out the whole tiiimmee. bahaha hilare. i didnt even get to see rita though! she was too busy buying bags!!! what a B!

anyway, Jenny and I went to central park and hung out a little bit more and then over to times square which is right by where i was meeting julie. so we met up with her, and i went to go see Shrek the Musical with julie, her dad, and her uncle who knows the choreographer? ummm aka, we had amazing seats, and the show was BRILLIANT. it was hilarious and so well done, and no one detracted from the show, and i loved ittttt. if you get the chance, go see it. it's great.

so then i took the subway back to brooklyn to jenny's house by my sellllff cause she wasn't feeling well, so she went back early. today was good. we went out to lunch at this italian place, and then jenny took me to the bus station and i rode for 8 hours on a bus. back to richmond. i hate buses.

love, amy

ps- i NEED TO MOVE TO NEW YORK. i love it. so. much.


EDIT: HOLY SHIT!!! BRET MCKENZIE ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOOOK!!!!

thank GOD there's been a surge of updates. My life was getting boring!!!

Last night I had a chorus concert. It was weird, but good. I wore my slhs choir dress, and the first half of the concert was far too long for comfort, but it think it went pretty well? except, at the end, the STUPID BOYS went off the stage the wrong way!!! what the hell were they doing?! they like...just walked off. crazy kids. but it made me miss sls a lot. We were a pretty tight group, and now im in a choir of 80 people, most of whom are voice majors (and we all know that voice majors are number one annoying) and i don't really know any of them. LYFE. it's ok- only my first semester of chorus.

Home this weekend was good. I like being home- various people have told me they hate it, but really? do you? i mean, i totally appreciate Reston. I love richmond, bien sur, mais reston i think will always be home, yo.

Parental update-
They're doing well. like- really well. they go to counciling every tuesday, and the other day, mumsie was like "we've both realized that we want to grow old together". And it used to be really awk to be with them together, and now it's normal, and they may even be too affectionate at times? aka, they hold hands non stop! and yesterday they came to my concert, and rode down together. meaning, they can be together alone for a long time, and it's not awk. thank god. i think mom needs to be on her own for a little while longer. She's doing well at her place- I don't consider her apartment home, but it's cute. I'll just be hyped when she's home when i'm home, and i dont have to go visit her.

but i also think that the rents need to move. as in, out of my current house. they need to start over, and we've lived in that house for like 25 years, and it's just too much. yeah, man. and at this point, i'm ready to let go of that house. I mean, chris and I were born there...but in the end, it's just a house.



I'm going to NYC this weekendddddd. aka- jenny is buying me a haircut. haHA! but it also happens to be the weekend that SLHS is taking their chorus trip up there? i didn't plan thaaaaat. But julie and i will prob go check them out.

wait. let's be honest. this post has no flow. hahaha, sorry kidsssss

here's the deal. I can't sleep anymore. I'm always tired, but then I lie down and I can not for the life of me fall asleep. its 3:12 am. cool.

mainly cause my brain refuses to shut off. eff, man.

ALSO-

question-

I really need a car for the summer, but really JUST for the summer, so does anyone know if it's possible to lease a car just for the summer? OR if anyone knows if anyone is going out of town and needs someone to look after their car, let me knooowww!!!!

im getting desperate. Chris has sketch for the summer and i need to drive kids around.

love and kisses,
Amy